Addicted To Anger?
An alternative theory from the first two theories of anger is the "abstain," "dissolve" or "containment theory of anger." It suggests we leave the lid on the pressure cooker, keep the valve closed, and turn off the fire underneath it. Now, what happens if the pressure cooker just stays there? If we let the pressure cooker stand there long enough and we take the lid off, there is no steam. Steam equals anger in this image, so if you just let the pressure cooker (us) sit there, the steam turns into something else-cool water.
"When angry, I don't say anything?" It will take some work and practice to keep the lid on; it is hard not to let a little steam seep out of the pressure valve and not to take the lid off. The idea is to keep the lid on tight, and to let the anger turn back into peace.
In the 1970s some authors suggested that we have a "Vesuvius Hour." Vesuvius is a volcano in Italy that erupted and buried the thriving city of Pompeii. The idea was that when we got home, rather than having a cocktail hour, we would erupt like a volcano, scream and yell, and call our spouse and children ugly names. Our children and spouse, in turn, would call us names, yell and scream. Everybody would get their aggression out for the day and have a peaceful, wonderful evening. But we know now that this practice actually aggravates the feelings and intensity of anger. The research that documents how anger makes our health and relationship problems worse is reviewed in Anger Kills by Redford and Virginia Williams.
Carol Tavris in her comprehensive study, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion corrects some common misconceptions about expressing anger:
Myth #1: "Aggression is the instinctive catharsis for anger."
Reality: Aggression is an acquired cathartic habit, a learned reaction practiced by people who think they can get away with behaving this way.
Myth #2: "Talking out anger gets rid of it-or at least makes you feel less angry."
Reality: A series of studies indicates that the overt expression of anger can increase it. Tavris suggests that before speaking out, evaluate whether you want to stay angry or not.
Myth #3: "Tantrums and other childhood rages are healthy expressions of anger that forestall neuroses."
Reality: As Tavris states, "The emotions are as subject to the laws of learning as any other behavior."
What are the signs that rage has turned into an addiction?
All addictions have symptoms, which allow us to recognize these problems as addictive diseases. The signs of addictive diseases are self-stimulation, compulsion, obsession, denial, withdrawal and craving syndrome, and unpredictable behavior. Like alcoholism or drug use, anger meets many of the criteria.
Self-Stimulation. For those of us who are rageaholics, expressing our anger is self-stimulating. It triggers our compulsion for more anger. For example, let's pretend that we are going to provide treatment for alcoholics. On the way to the treatment center we stop and buy a case of beer. When we get there, we tell the alcoholics in therapy that they just need to do a lot of drinking to get it out of their system once and for all. This, I believe, is similar to when therapists tell men with rage problems, "You just need to express yourself and get it out of your system." It is just as absurd.
The more alcoholics drink, the more they want. The more we ragers rage, the more we want to rage. One way to define alcoholism is that when the alcoholic ingests alcohol, it sets up a self-stimulating system in which he craves more alcohol. The more alcohol a person drinks, the more alcohol that person wants. It is the same way with rageaholics.
Compulsion. Anger addiction or "rageaholism" is the compulsive pursuit of a mood change by repeatedly engaging in episodes of rage despite adverse consequences. Rageaholics are individuals who continue to rage compulsively without regard to the negative consequences. It is the compulsion that signals the disease of addiction. Despite all judgment, reason, insight or consequence, we continue to use "the substance" compulsively.
When we can no longer control how much or when we rage, we have crossed the line into addiction. Brief periods of abstinence from rage may occur because of guilt or concern about the loss of a mate or of a job, but eventually, despite the best of intentions to control our tongue and hands, the rageaholic will be off again on another tantrum.
When control is lost, we ragers have entered into a crucial phase of addiction and may never again be able to return to the controlled expression of anger. Once this point is reached, we cannot predict what will set us off or how far we will go with our behavior. Our behavior is often as puzzling to us as it is to those around us.
Addicts will try anything to solve the problem except to stay away from the substance or behavior that triggers the addiction. Once the compulsion is triggered, all efforts at control fail.
In all forms of addiction, the control over thoughts and behavior is lost. As addiction progresses, our losses become increasingly profound and our life is no longer under our control. We are at the mercy of anyone who provokes us. Our thought processes become dominated by the addiction and we look for opportunities to indulge our addiction. Anger, revenge and rage take over. Our life becomes a booby trap, baited with pride and vengefulness as we wait for someone to offend us in some real or imagined way. As one client said, "I used to have trouble going to sleep at night because it would take me two or three hours to imagine killing everybody who had ever pissed me off, so I could fall asleep."
Obsession. Rageaholics are frequently preoccupied with resentment and fantasies of revenge. Those thoughts sometimes rise powerfully and allow no other thoughts to enter. No matter how hard we try to stop them, ideas of outrage and revenge predominate. The force of anger is sometimes irresistible and followed by action. Therefore, the preoccupation with the "wrongs" of others and revenge continually leads to rage. Progressively, these thoughts crowd out all others until our life becomes chronically revenge oriented. At that point, anger controls our thoughts.
Denial. Denial keeps anger addicts trapped. It is the mental process by which we conclude that the addiction is not the problem-it's them. Ignorance of addiction and the inability to examine ourselves work together to keep anger addicts stuck. Knowing no other way to live, we deny that there is anything wrong with us. This system of denial ensures that the process of rage and righteous indignation will continue. It is the speck-and-log-in-the-eye confusion problem. "Take the log out of your own eye before trying to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye," Jesus admonished. Yes, we ragers are right; there may be a speck in our wife's eye, the other driver may indeed be wrong. But our focus should be on the log in our eye-that rage.
Withdrawal and Craving. As with any addiction, anger has a detoxification period. This is a very vulnerable time when addicts often feel unreal, like we have given up "who we are." Craving is high during this time. Those who abstain from name-calling, profanity and yelling during this period report more depression than usual for the first three months. Afterward, however, if we have achieved complete abstinence and maintained it for 90 days, we find we no longer think in profane or disparaging terms. It may even become shocking when we hear others do it.
Often in an anger hangover, we feel that we can probably do what it takes to live the rest of our lives without expressing anger-and without violence, verbal or physical. Typically, during the first 90 days of abstinence, ragers feel vulnerable and spend a lot of time thinking and hoping for a situation that will allow us to use violence for some heroic purpose. These heroic rescue fantasies are a symptom of our craving for anger like the heroin addict craves a fix. We are restless soldiers hoping for what Teddy Roosevelt called a "nice little war."
It may be time for us to "beat our spears into plowshares." Many of us were trained to be soldiers by our culture through physical contact sports and the military. It got into our blood and hasn't yet gotten out. It is interesting to ask ourselves when we last needed physical violence or the threat of physical violence to prevent injury to ourselves or someone else. For me, the answer is something like 45 years. All those chivalrous violent fantasies we think we need to protect us and our families from robbers and murderers need to go. In fact, our family is actually in much greater danger from us than some external threat. Constantly rehearsing break-ins and car jackings will not help us in our recovery.
Unpredictable Behavior. Another definition of alcoholism is that when an alcoholic drinks, there is no way to predict his or her behavior. He may drink appropriately from time to time, just as the rageaholic may express anger appropriately from time to time. However, when the alcoholic starts to drink alcohol, all bets are off. No one knows what is going to happen. He or she may drink appropriately or may disappear for days. When rageaholics start to express anger, no one knows where it is going to go. The most likely thing is that we are going to explode, rant and rave. How can we then relate to "the appropriate expression" of anger?
We rageaholics would like to learn how to express our anger appropriately just like alcoholics would like to learn how to drink appropriately. But can we be taught to do this? Yes, you can be taught, but when the adrenaline hits, it's an excuse to blow up. We keep arguing that we are expressing ourselves appropriately. While there are some exceptions, I encourage those with rage problems to abstain from the expression of anger for one year.
Remember, this plan is only for that small percent of the population who have rage or violence problems. (The approach described here is not for everyone.) For those addicted to anger, it won't work to express our anger. We have tried it and know it has never worked. Many of us have been to therapy for years and have worked very hard at learning to express our anger appropriately. However, we often feel frustrated and don't know why we can't learn it. In fact, we may feel relieved when we decide it is all right to give up trying to express our anger appropriately and begin to learn how to abstain from the expression of anger altogether.
From Anger Busting 101 by Newton Hightower. Copyright © 2002 by Newton Hightower. |
