Addicted To Anger?
"I've been told that I need to learn to express my anger appropriately."

Again, let's imagine a pressure cooker, but instead of taking off the lid, let's set the pressure valve to slowly release the steam when it reaches a certain intensity. For example, we might say to our spouse, "I have some feelings of resentment toward you" or "Your behavior in the last few days has created some growing feelings of resentment" or "I would just like to let you know that I am feeling angry toward you because of your behavior last night at the party."

The idea is that we can express anger in a contained, appropriate way, and let the steam out gradually. Many of those who rage have been to therapists who think we haven't been taught how to express our anger appropriately; the therapy begins by attempting to teach us the appropriate expression of anger. If the "appropriate expression of anger" is used around resentment issues in a structured way, some of us can use it beneficially.

Following my experience with expressive therapies, I thought learning this appropriate expression approach was the answer for me, so I began learning, then teaching, the appropriate expression of anger. My wife said I was an excellent teacher and could do well in role plays, but even though I knew it in my head, when the adrenaline rush hit, I was gone. Typically I would start by saying, "Sweetheart, I would like to sit down and share with you after dinner." (That's called making an appointment-which is good.) Then, when we got comfortable, I would say, "I have been feeling angry and resentful about some things."

She would say, "What?"

I would reply, "What? You don't even know what?" and then I would go into a rage. She said I did well for up to 30 seconds but could never get past that.

From Anger Busting 101 by Newton Hightower. Copyright © 2002 by Newton Hightower.